Disclaimer: This is a personal and emotional post. You may skip this and read my other posts instead, if you want to. :-)
If you know me, you'll see me as a funny person who will try to make you laugh. Chances are, you'll see me as a "sunny" person who barely gets in a dark mood. I will kid you around until you get annoyed. And these are true. I'm mostly an all-smiles person who will wear you down with my hyperactivity.
But as the saying goes, sometimes, the happiest people are the saddest. Unfortunately, this reflects my truth. Am I kidding? No, I'm not. This is the first and only time I will admit this. I am sad. I think I've been able to hide this perfectly, but in reality, my heart breaks everyday.
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you may have already known that my boyfriend - Y's dad - and I are not together. Well, we are not together physically, but we are still strongly together metaphorically. And that's what breaks my heart. Here we are, having a strong and perfect relationship, but we couldn't see each other and he couldn't even see his own son.
You see, my parents are very much against my boyfriend, J. For them, I was the "perfect" daughter. I got good grades, never got into fights and never even entered a relationship until I graduated from college. So they had pretty high dreams for me - until I got pregnant. So for them, J destroyed all of those dreams. And I could not blame them for getting mad. But frankly, is that enough reason to deny a child a complete family?
This is what breaks my heart.
It breaks my heart that Y is getting bigger and smarter everyday, but his dad is not here to see it. He was not here when Y was born. It breaks my heart to see that his dad never saw his first smile. J never saw how he fast he eats. J never saw how his son would light up when his favorite commercial comes on.
It breaks my heart to see other families that are complete. When I see other dads playing with their babies, I badly want to see how Y would have shrieked in laughter, too, if his dad played with him. I badly want to see how Y would fit snugly in J's arms. I'm pretty sure he would prefer his dad to carry him.
Most of the time, I pity myself. I could not even give Y a complete family. Y doesn't deserve this. But I can't cry. I need to be a strong because I'm not a little girl anymore. I need to be strong.
Every day, I pray for the courage to be able finally stand up for J and Y - my own family. But every night, I get into bed defeated. Cowardice has eaten me again. And I tell myself, I'll try again tomorrow. But honestly, I don't know what to do. And it breaks my heart.
So if you're reading this, do me a favor and tell me what to do.
