Is my heart in the right place?

One of the hardest challenges I've had to overcome since I became a Christian (and, come to think of it, even before I was a Christian) is obedience.

I don't remember when I became a strong-willed person who wanted to do what she wants to do, but I'm that person. It was a lot easier when I only needed to obey my parents because it was so easy to disobey when they didn't see me. However, when I surrendered my life to Christ, it became harder. Sure, in the first months of being a Christian, being Christ-like was very easy to do. It was euphoric. Then, I found out that as you mature, the temptations of the devil become stronger - or was it only me who got weaker? Either way, I found it even harder to obey.

For now, let's just leave it at that. I find it hard to obey, but I know I need to in order to please Jesus. The challenges come daily and in the most mundane of situations. In the context of being a work-at-home mom, I encounter different sets of trials than what you might encounter. Just yesterday, I experienced a couple of trials, where I found it hard to obey Jesus but through his grace, I was able to overcome.

First Situation
I began cloth-diapering Yuri just the other day, and we are still getting the hang of it. Honey, Yuri's yaya, is still getting the hang of laundering the diapers. They were easy to launder, but she doesn't know the right way of hanging them yet. I noticed that she hangs the inserts on the clothesline folded. Knowing how thick the inserts are, I was sure they will take 48 years to dry. So I went outside and hanged them properly.

After doing that, I wanted to show Honey the right way of hanging the inserts. To be honest, I was feeling a bit irritated that she did not know how to hang them properly. Just as I was entering the exit door (oxymoron?), I tripped. Yes, I tripped. My immediate thought was "Are you trying to tell me something, Lord?"

Jesus replied: Check your heart, Maan. Is it in the right place?

Right in our kitchen, I did. What was my intention in telling Honey about hanging the inserts? Was it simply to correct her and help her improve? Or was it to find fault and feel smug about it? I don't need to tell you what the answer was; all you need to know was that I didn't tell Honey about her mistake during that time.

Was it simple to obey? No. Was it worth it? I'm sure it was.

Second Situation

In a Facebook group for breastfeeding mothers, someone posted about weaning her almost 2-year old child and asking for tips. I was interested in the discussion because I might also wean Yuri in the near future. Now, the moms who replied before me were talking about alternative milk options. I chimed in and said my toddler was also drinking fresh milk. Soon, the discussion (inevitably) turned into a debate on what to give to a toddler. Is it almond milk? Fresh milk? Soy milk? None?

Unknowingly, I said that I read somewhere that soy milk might not be suitable to boys because they contain estrogen. A mom didn't reply to me directly but mentioned that it is cow's milk that contains estrogen, not soy milk. I know that soy milk contains estrogen; I'm just not sure about the claims on its effects. I wanted to reply so badly, but Jesus held me back again.

Check your heart. Is it in the right place?

I seriously wanted to reply, but I forced myself to obey. Again, it was a hard thing for me to do. What was my intention? Why did I want to reply? I asked myself these questions: Do I want to reply in order to inform the mothers here? Or do I simply want to defend my wounded pride? Ugly, I know.

Moments later, another mom began a new discussion on why some moms breastfeed but then give fresh milk afterward. I know fresh milk won't harm my son; he's a toddler already! Reading that post, I could not help but think she was pertaining to me. Again, I really wanted to reply. Not all moms can afford almond milk, you know! Wounded pride? You bet!

My first thought was that these moms are judging! But then again, what was I doing? Weren't I judging them by thinking they were not as open-minded as I am?

Check your heart. Is it in the right place?

Again, was it easy to obey? No! Was it worth it? Well, avoiding a potential cat-fight was. More importantly, doing what was pleasing to Jesus was!

Suffice to say, these mundane situations were humbling trials to me. Oh, the internal struggles. Without the grace of Jesus, I would have easily condemned Honey for not knowing what to do when it was the first time she's ever seen cloth diapers. Without the grace of Jesus, that simple Facebook discussion would have turned into an argument. To be honest, I never checked the replies again. I needed to remove myself from the place of temptation. I'd rather have peace of mind than prove myself right. (People who know me personally know this is such an un-Maan sentiment!) :D

Check your heart. Is it in the right place?