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Is your toddler testing your patience by testing his limits?
I want to begin this post with this disclaimer: I don't know much. Yuri is my only child and he did just turn 2 five months ago (he's 29 months today!). Which means my experience as a mom to a 2-year old is not worth anything, really.
But let me tell you this: I've never experienced a "terrible 2" moment. Yet. Seasoned moms will tell me that I'm speaking too soon, and maybe I am, but apart from the fact that Yuri is not really prone to throwing tantrums (he is kinda dramatic though...), we're beginning to curb the tendencies by teaching him to obey.
I first encountered the importance of teaching kids obedience in a post in Teach with Joy. She wrote that teaching obedience begins more or less when the child turns 2. That time, Yuri was still several months away from turning 2 so I didn't pay much attention.
Well, a few months before he turned 2, Yuri started testing my patience mostly by not following me. This is a big deal because sometimes, what he's doing can be dangerous. For example, there was a time when brushing his teeth became a struggle. I almost gave up!
I'm sure all moms of toddlers have their own stories to tell, right?
Then I remembered Joy's post and thought, oh wow, she really wasn't kidding. It is a must to teach 2-year olds to obey.
Why Young Toddlers Need to Learn Obedience
Obedience is important because it is the precursor for teaching the child many other values like politeness and honesty.
In an age where many families are child-centric, it's almost unbelievable how many children don't learn how to be obedient to authorities at all. It's almost as if we are afraid of offending our own kids!
Recently, I came upon this article telling us that we're raising a generation of spoiled brats by not setting limits. Because all of their wants and whims are immediately given, they grow up to be girls and boys with an entitlement mentality. It's no surprise that they grow up thinking the world revolves around them!
I love Yuri, and because of that, I want him to be a good boy. At first, I worried about how to discipline. You see, I am for Biblical physical punishment but Job, not so much. But God revealed that I must be concerned about teaching the value of obedience first. After all, if, for example, I punish Yuri for not obeying me, how will he know why he was being punished? That feeling of confusion would just turn into rebellion.
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This made me come up with these questions:
- How many children are not taught what they should and should not do?
- How many went straight to discipline without even teaching them the right from wrong?
- How many parents relied on other people or on circumstances to teach their children?
- Worse, how many parents turned it the other way around, gave up and "obeyed" their children instead?
I could easily become one of these parents.
I don't want that, so I made it a mini-mission to teach Yuri the concept of obedience. Of course, it wasn't done overnight. It took months before he got it. I take that back; it took months before I finally got it!
I started with a minor issue, which is the throwing of toys. I figured I must start with something non-harmful in case he doesn't obey me.
Approach #1: Doormat Dana
At first, I talked to him in a nice and friendly way. "Yuri, pwede pakipulot toys mo?" (Yuri, can you please pick your toys up?)
And Yuri just smiled, laughed a little, and completely ignored what I said. I guess it's because I didn't show authority at all. Which means Yuri doesn't feel compelled to obey.
Approach #2: Severe Susan
Another time he threw his toys, I channeled my inner Miss Minchin and raised my voice. "YURI! Pulutin mo toys mo!" I said. Yuri immediately stopped playing and clearly knew that I was serious. But did he obey me?
Instead of picking up his toys, he ran straight to me, cried, and begged to be breastfed. During another time, he hid behind Honey, his yaya. I did establish my authority but he felt only fear, so instead of obeying me, he looked for comfort and protection.
Which means one thing: parents, in order to instill obedience in their toddlers, should learn the art of balance.
Approach #3: Balanced Bella
The third time Yuri threw his toys, I spoke the words I first said in the first instance. "Yuri, pakipulot toys mo." But I used a very firm tone. I did not smile, and I looked him straight in the eye. I don't know what the "parenting gurus" say, but that time, there was a spark of recognition in my toddler's eyes. He knew what to do. He immediately picked up his toys from the floor (and even arranged his big cars for good measure). He obeyed me.
Removing Bad Habits
Lately, Yuri developed the habit of saying "o" rather than "opo" or "yes po." Before, when you ask Yuri a question with a positive answer, he will say, "yes sure." But he might have heard someone answering "o" and followed it!
Because this is verbal and not physical, I surmised that instead of reprimanding (like in the case of the toys), the better thing to do is to ignore. How?
First, lay the foundation but don't expect immediate results. For example, when Yuri says "o," I repeatedly and firmly say "no, opo or yes." (I used approach #3.) He'd say "opo" or "yes," but only for that time. However, this step is still essential in teaching the child what they should be doing.
As expected, he still said "o" moments after. When you're confident that the child already knows what he's doing is incorrect (and is only doing it to test your patience), bring out the Ignore card. For example:
Me: Yuri play ka sa labas?
Yuri: O.
Me: *ignore*
Yuri: Opo.
After a few days, probably because he understood I won't take it for an answer, he didn't say "o" anymore. He'd immediately say "opo." Success!
What Next?
Later on, I plan on teaching him why he must obey. For now, it's enough that he understands that he needs to do what mommy (or daddy or any trusted grownup) says. This, I believe, is the foundation for raising a good child, and later on, a man or woman of integrity.
Really, I don't think there were toddler tantrums in older times. Nor must there had been spoiled brats, in my opinion. Let's not make it a norm in this generation!
Image: http://www.amendesigns.com
More Tips from an Inexperienced Momma
This may not work for all parents. Those with timid children, like Yuri, can find my approach useful, while children who are older and/or more "willful" may actually benefit from the second approach. The main point is to establish your authority over a child. When teaching obedience, never make it look as if you're begging for the child to obey! You're the parent, ikaw ang masusunod (you should be the one in charge).
I know many of you are more experienced that I am. Care to share more tips?
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