As for me, I'm trying to "move on" and return to regular programming, but several occasions throughout the day, I still find myself vividly imagining what the 44 must have felt during those grueling hours of combat. Actions, gestures, words and all.
And, no, I don't know anybody from the troops, but that's just me. I find it scarily easy to empathize and get involved because it's my second nature to put myself in another person's shoes. Most of the time, it's a blessing, but at times like this, it can be a curse. For example, I'm so immersed into this tragedy that it almost engulfs me. Even Job is a little scared for me; he has to consciously steer the conversation into a "safe" topic.
But the truth is, aside from the infamous incident we all know now too well, I'm personally sort of going through a crisis myself.
Source: www.levo.com
I hate to talk about my petty worries at a time like this, but I also know that I have to release my feelings in my blog.
The truth is I haven't worked for days now. I used to love my job; I really did. However, as time passes, I get "choked" by the increasing number of rules I must comply to. Considering that I'm a creative writer at heart, I struggle with following strict writing rules, but in fairness, I tried my hardest to obey. I wouldn't last for 4 years if I didn't.
But now, the issue is not just about the rules. It's about the low morale that I feel (coincidentally connected to the current national issue). I am a sensitive person but I know how to handle and accept constructive criticism (or, at least, I try to). What I find hard to handle is patong patong na criticisms without any sort of praise or redemption.
"Crinkle, crumple, crush" - fragile ego.Because I've been in this job for almost four years now, suddenly receiving one criticism after the other with no strong encouragement to soften the blow has hurt my ego real badly.
I know I should communicate this to my immediate superior, but she has been nothing but supportive of me. She tries hard to build me up, so I don't want get to think I'm blaming her. But with only her guidance alone, I feel like we're always nangangapa because we no longer get commended for the right things that we did but always get criticized.
In other words, sometimes, I also want to see where I succeeded instead of always being reminded where I screwed up. I need to know what I did right; otherwise, I would keep thinking that everything I did was wrong. #hugot
At this point, my ego is already so low that I'm no longer inspired to work. I no longer enjoy working, which I think is very important. I can't help but think I'm bad at what I do when I used to take pride in it. I can't help but wonder whether I'm supposed to be doing this out not. Should I stay with this job because I need the money (it does pay well) or should I explore the horizon?
Should I work where I need to work or work where I am needed?
I don't know. I have to admit, however, that I spent the whole day yesterday updating my resume, updating my profiles, and sending applications. Aside from the problems above, I kind of really miss free writing, so I'm quite sure in pursuing new opportunities.
I'm just not sure if I need to completely uproot myself from where I am currently planted.
Can you help me? What would you do?
UPDATE: I just had a conversation with my immediate superior this morning, and while she didn't force me to do anything, she helped me look at the situation with, well, a better and more positive perspective. I decided to continue working but, at the same time, I'm also pursuing other opportunities so that I can explore creative writing more.
So maybe the bright side doesn't necessarily have to be on the other side. Maybe we just need to stop looking at the other side and look at the brightness in ours.
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