Thoughts on the Mommy Wars

I am not a fan of the so-called mommy wars. I must admit that I am passionate about the choices I make (i.e. breastfeeding, attachment parenting, and open-ended play) and I have a strong opinion about them, but I will never think of having an actual argument with another parent about these choices.

I am only human so there are times I catch myself judging other parents, but God made me realize I could be easily like them have my circumstances been different.

Now, I've been lucky that in the first two years of Yuri's life, I haven't encountered anyone who debated my beliefs. Sure, I received a couple of comments when Yuri still wasn't walking at 12 months old, but those were from family and family friends. They don't have the right to judge, yes, but I'd rather hear comments from them than from actual strangers. I considered myself lucky for never having them.

But I recently realized that as the child grows up, the "war" becomes less about you and your parenting style and more about the child and his milestones.

Unfortunately, I learned this in one weekend and in two different incidents.

None of these incidents were really harmful - in fact, they were bordering on petty - but it made me see how easy it is to judge other people.

First one is from a dad, an American neighbor, who just happened to pass along our house one Saturday afternoon. He had his son with him who was just a couple of months older than Yuri.

He asked me how old Yuri is and I asked him about his son, too. Then he asked me how many words Yuri can already speak.

You see, at that time, Yuri was just making random noises while playing with the other child.

I hesitated, frankly because I have already lost track. And also because I had to speak in English haha. I started, "Well..."

But he cut me off and said, "Oh he can't speak yet."

"What?"

"He can't speak yet? My son can already say many words. English, Filipino, even some Bisaya words. He (pointing to Yuri) can't speak yet?"

If you have read some of my old posts, you will know that this is far from true hehe. I don't remember what it was exactly that I said but I told him that no, Yuri can already speak many words. In fact, he can already hold conversations.

I know I must sound braggy, but the Holy Spirit convicted me from keeping my tone "one-uppy." I know this was nothing serious, but I saw how easy it is to pronounce judgment in less than 5 minutes. It was also very easy to "compete."

The second incident happened yesterday at the mall. We were all over the mall, and we kept bumping into this family who also had a toddler boy. Yuri and this toddler got along very well, and I was fine watching them with the other child's dad because he spoke no word about his son. (Hehe sometimes it's just annoying when a parent talks nonstop about his child. Oh, look who's talking! Haha. At least I don't do it in person!)

So anyway, things were going well until we stumbled upon each other the second time. This time, the mom was also present. We were watching the two boys play when she asked me how old Yuri is. I thought, uh-oh, here we go again!

I told her he just turned 2 last week. Imagine my surprise when her face morphed to have a shocked expression.

"Ha?! 2 years old na yan? Bakit mas active ang baby boy ko?"

I was confused. Huh? I was preparing myself to be compared based on weight (especially) or height or anything else but not the level of activeness. Huh? Milestone na ba yan ngayon?

I was also surprised to hear that because Yuri is a very active toddler, and during that time, he just came from a long running spree which left us panting. He was already "at rest" when he encountered his friend again.

But I mustered a lame "naptime na kasi nya" since I wanted to cut the conversation short. However, to my surprise again, she answered, "Well, naptime na din ni Kurt pero look he's still very active."

I swear I had a permanently confused look on my face. Yuri seriously wasn't any less active than the other child. However, Yuri is wary of strangers; maybe their child isn't. I didn't want to say that because, hello, Yuri's very normal toddler behavior didn't need an excuse.

Then we met again at the grocery for the third time. The boy was just with his dad. This time, unsurprisingly, Yuri was even more malikot than the other child. Kasi same lang naman talaga sila eh! I don't see that as a reason to brag because for me, nakakastress at nakakapagod ang batang malikot haha. However, the two had so much fun swinging on the bars on the cashier lines so we let them be.

Ayan na naman si mother. I smiled when she commented what little monkeys they were. Then, maybe when she noticed that Yuri was more malikot than her son (which shouldn't have been a problem!), almost inevitably, she began spouting excuses, telling no one in particular that her son already had reddish eyes because he was so sleepy.

I just have to tell you that the boy didn't look sleepy at all, but toddlers, just like us, have their hyperactive and mellow moments. It's normal behavior that doesn't need defense!

Again, I saw how easy it is to proclaim judgment on someone - a little child, for crying out loud! - you just met for not even 5 minutes. And it's easier to make comparisons even when they're not even logical.

The incidents left me thinking and wounded my pride as a mother, but the Holy Spirit immediately rebuked me. I should not let my pride rear its ugly thorns. Then I also realized this: how many times have I proclaimed silent (and not so silent) judgment on others, too? How many times have I silently compared my son to another child?

I realize I wasn't so different from these two parents. The only difference was that they compared their child to mine publicly, but that doesn't make me any better than them.

Come to think of it, they were better since I had the chance to defend my son (though he didn't need it). What about those I judged through my eyes and through my mind? I even shared my judgment to other people. How mean of me!

I now resolve to never make hasty judgments and realizations again, and I hope to remember that comparisons, while easily done, are never to any good. Even when veiled as a "tip" or "piece of advice." It's not easy at all but it needs to be done.

Note to self:
Every child is beautiful no matter the food, the height, the weight, the color of the skin, the ability to walk, the willingness to talk, and the parenting they are subjected into (unless it's abusive and neglectful of course!). I don't need to compare, and I don't need to offend, and in the moment of comparison and judgment, I don't have to defend.