Boy, did this line from the letter to Corinthians ever hit so close to home. Here's why.
Remember how I talked about having a misunderstanding with Job last Monday? We were finally able to sort things out just Wednesday night (I actually wrote this post after we made up).
My issue was that I felt he was giving more time to his work than to me. Quite selfish, I know. I'm willing to understand, but Monday was a special day for us, and I really felt he should've at least saved even just a few minutes to talk to me.
(We did talk, but not the kind of talk that I wanted. What can I do? I'm a girl!)
But in my defense, motherhood can be lonely. Staying at home every day can be even lonelier. And I tend to get fixated with the loneliness, so I collect stories along the week and look forward to sharing them Job. And when my "bonding" expectations aren't met... I guess you can guess what happens next.
(I also guess now you sort of understand why I blog: I have so many stories saved in my head!)
Yes, for what seems to be a petty issue, it took me 3 days to forgive.
To be fair, it was really hard to communicate. We still keep what we promised to only talk on Sundays, but this was an exception since we were having an issue. But since both of us are busy, the only time we get to talk is at night.
And if you must know Job, let's just say he's extremely protective of his bedtime. No one, I mean no one can get in his way if he wants to sleep.
That's aside from the fact that, as wonderful as he is, he can be dense sometimes. Men!
The bonus part is that he's been working harder these days so he's more tired. Tired = denser = earlier bedtime = not interested in long talks. So on Monday and Tuesday night, instead of being able to talk it over, he fell asleep before we ever reached closure. Instead of getting over the issue, I was getting more and more frustrated!
I was also getting more hurt because I felt that his actions only showed what I told him that he doesn't have time for me anymore.
You see, Job is a conflict-avoider. He prefers to just say "sorry" to prevent a fight. In other words, para hindi humaba ang usapan. He lives by this proverb:
Image from Pinterest
And I hate that because I feel that he doesn't take the time to really understanding my point and my feelings.
He was also frustrated because he couldn't understand why I couldn't forgive.
I told him that I couldn't accept his apology because I thought it wasn't sincere. I told him that if he really understood the issue, he wouldn't have slept on me - twice! I totally didn't understand why it was so hard for him to realize that I was hurt when he was able to allot hours for an overtime work but couldn't sacrifice minutes for an attention-starved me.
And he kept on apologizing apologies that I didn't accept.
What he didn't know was that all throughout the ordeal, a small voice was whispering these words to me:
Give him a break; he's tired. He's taking all those overtime hours for you and Yuri. Is that the kind of love you want to return? A fault-finding kind of love?It was a small voice and I chose to quell it because I didn't want to humble myself. Later, I did "forgive" him but only because of his efforts and not because of my decision to show grace.
I now realize that I totally missed an opportunity to show grace to a man whom I really love and who loves me as much, if not more.
It wasn't until I read Joy's (of Teach with Joy) post that the message became resoundingly clear:
Image from notonthehighstreet.com
To say I was deeply ashamed of myself is an understatement. Through this story, I guess can easily see who was the proud one and who humbled himself. It is easy to see who kept record of the other's faults. Job never kept record of my faults even if I have many. But I did. I always did because for some bizzare reason, I liked the drama. I liked the attention. What a brat I was.
Yet God says it's not too late. I can still change. Oh how difficult it is to love the way God commands us to. But I'm sure it's worth it.
Going back, I wanted to tell Job right there and then that I appreciate his efforts and that I shouldn't have been too hard on him. That I, too, should have said sorry. That I didn't mean to keep record of his wrongs.
Because God doesn't. Because God wouldn't.
But I didn't tell him those things yet because I didn't want to disturb his sleep. He already gave up 30 minutes of his bedtime, and I appreciate that. And we're supposed to stick to our rules, so no talking for us until the weekend. I will have to wait. Love is patient, right?
.................
Through this experience, God reminded me that we're both humans, both imperfect and both with flaws. It's impossible to expect perfection from a person, and keeping record of their wrongs will only destroy my peace and his self-image. It will steal our joy.
Most importantly, it's not the kind of love God wants us to show as Christians. It's a very self-centered, self-serving, destructive kind of "love" that couldn't have come from the Source of Love himself. Again, loving the way we are commanded to do is difficult. It requires humility and dying to self and a lot of grace, but I know it's going to be worth it.
Love never fails.
_________________________________________________________________
Do you like this post? Never miss out again when you click on the cute bunny below:
Or by entering your email here:
