The Joys and Sorrows of 2014

I didn't have a year-ender post ready. In fact, I have not been up to blogging lately; I "forced" myself to write posts just so that my blog gets updated. It's not because I lost my mojo; it's because of the fact that this is the first Christmas season I faced as a yaya-less mother.

And I had been so busy.

I planned to just write something over the weekend to post on Monday, but last night (or early this morning, as I didn't get to sleep after Media Noche), I came across the post of one of my sorority sisters, which inspired me to write a similar one.

Can you, like, read it? Haha. Happy new year! 🎆🎉🎇🎊

A photo posted by Marie Angeli Laxa (@maanlaxa) on Dec 12, 2014 at 3:15am PST

2014 was certainly a rollercoaster ride for most of us. I can only speak for myself, though. I experienced many joys and sorrows, and I now realize that both are testimonies to the goodness and sovereignty of God. He is in charge. No matter what mistakes and wrong decisions we make, if we repent, God can still use them for his glory.

With this realization in mind, here are the joys and sorrows that God used in 2014 for His glory:

FAITH

SORROW: I very recently backslid - a little - in faith. I underwent a spiritual attack, and this is one of the reasons why I didn't have the drive to write. I don't know; suddenly, I couldn't pray and I kept doing this specific thing that I had already rebuked when I became a Christian years ago. It was a low moment.

JOY: But God helped (helps) me overcome the weakness. It was a struggle but God sent trials along the way to shake me up. There were warnings after warnings and finally, I stopped doing the sin that I kept on doing. Just like that. Some of you may be skeptical, but that's always the way God works in my life: perfectly.

LOVE

SORROW: Well, I'm still not with Job - physically. My family is still technically incomplete, and there are times when I question whether we should keep waiting or not.

JOY: But the strength of our relationship is a testimony to how faithful God is. Everyday, it reminds me that we just have to wait for God's perfect timing. For the record, I can't count how many astonished glances I've seen whenever I mention that we are in a long-distance relationship. We had been in an LDR for 3 years. Frankly, I know we can't do it alone; I would have been astonished, too. But we need to completely depend on God for this relationship to work, and I have to tell you that because of the dependence, the relationship is a lot easier and smoother to manage.

Source: biblia.com

STRENGTH

Love Doesn't Keep Record of Wrongs

Boy, did this line from the letter to Corinthians ever hit so close to home. Here's why.

Remember how I talked about having a misunderstanding with Job last Monday? We were finally able to sort things out just Wednesday night (I actually wrote this post after we made up).

My issue was that I felt he was giving more time to his work than to me. Quite selfish, I know. I'm willing to understand, but Monday was a special day for us, and I really felt he should've at least saved even just a few minutes to talk to me.

(We did talk, but not the kind of talk that I wanted. What can I do? I'm a girl!)

But in my defense, motherhood can be lonely. Staying at home every day can be even lonelier. And I tend to get fixated with the loneliness, so I collect stories along the week and look forward to sharing them Job. And when my "bonding" expectations aren't met... I guess you can guess what happens next.

(I also guess now you sort of understand why I blog: I have so many stories saved in my head!)

Yes, for what seems to be a petty issue, it took me 3 days to forgive.

To be fair, it was really hard to communicate. We still keep what we promised to only talk on Sundays, but this was an exception since we were having an issue. But since both of us are busy, the only time we get to talk is at night.

And if you must know Job, let's just say he's extremely protective of his bedtime. No one, I mean no one can get in his way if he wants to sleep.

That's aside from the fact that, as wonderful as he is, he can be dense sometimes. Men!

The bonus part is that he's been working harder these days so he's more tired. Tired = denser = earlier bedtime = not interested in long talks. So on Monday and Tuesday night, instead of being able to talk it over, he fell asleep before we ever reached closure. Instead of getting over the issue, I was getting more and more frustrated!

I was also getting more hurt because I felt that his actions only showed what I told him that he doesn't have time for me anymore.

You see, Job is a conflict-avoider. He prefers to just say "sorry" to prevent a fight. In other words, para hindi humaba ang usapan. He lives by this proverb:

Image from Pinterest

And I hate that because I feel that he doesn't take the time to really understanding my point and my feelings.

He was also frustrated because he couldn't understand why I couldn't forgive.

To Fall for the Second Time

Job and I talked over the phone last night.

If you have ever been in a long-distance relationship, you would understand how special those phone calls are.

And in a different kind of long-distance relationship like ours, where we both agreed to minimize communicating in order to grow in our personal relationships with the Lord first, these phone calls are almost like a piece of heaven on earth.

We do talk every week, but last night's talk left a different impression on me. I don't know.  We didn't talk about anything new or anything really "special." In fact, all we did was the usual: updated each other, listened to Yuri talk and sing, talk some more, laughed. But, I don't know. I felt like I was really contented to just keep quiet and listen to him drone on and on about mundane stuff.

And when we laughed together, I felt more than the usual longing that I feel every time we talk. That night, I almost felt my heart jump. For the first time (in forever?), I finally understood what heartstrings were and how they can be tugged by such a normal thing as laughter.

I felt I was falling in love with him for the second time.

And I wanted to tell him that because recently, he told me I wasn't being expressive anymore. At first, I took offense but later on realized that he was right. I wasn't thinking of the relationship anymore. It's probably because I felt secure in it, which is good, but security shouldn't mean being lax. So I've been making the effort to be more expressive.

But I discovered that saying "I love you" is much easier than saying "I'm falling in love with you" or "I'm falling in love with you again." For a person like me who is not, by nature, affectionate, while the former comes naturally (and, sometimes, automatically), the latter is actually quite scary.

But I did it. I told him that I could listen to him talk about church, his job, his start-up "mini-farm," what he read in the Bible, and what he loves about Yuri forever. I told him that just listening to him laugh got me all "kilig." Is there even an accurate translation for that? I don't think so hehe.

I told him I think I just fell in love with him again. It's not in my nature to do that, but I did, because he deserves to know that after all these years, he still has that effect on me.

The funny thing is that the night before that, I asked God for clearer guidance for our relationship. God put this thought in my head: Because you asked me to take control of your life, do not worry, for your thoughts and feelings are mine.

And God placed this feeling in my heart for Job for a reason. He even magnified it last night.

Photo: walkuponwaters.tumblr.com

I didn't think it was possible to keep on falling in love with the same person. I thought love was a process. You get interested in a person, you discover his personality, you fall in love, you get to know each other more, and you get comfortable with each other so that you feel as if you've known each other forever. And that's it, a linear process, not a circular one.

But what I just felt last night was wonderful. I felt that God placed the feeling of falling in love again in my heart so that, finally and ultimately, I will stop worrying and realize that this feeling is from Him and nothing is wrong with it.

To be completely honest, though I'm crazy about Job, last night's feeling was less about him and more about God. It was like He was telling me that He wouldn't place such an immense feeling in my heart if He didn't have great plans for the relationship.

Photo: typographicverses.com

What a wonderful promise.

How about you? Have you ever felt the same with the person you love? I'd love to hear your story!

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Love and Respect in the Family (by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs)

I have a painful childhood memory which remains fresh in my mind. I was 6 years old and awoke to the sound of my parents fighting. I huddled in bed and waited for the house to calm down. I was crying. Minutes later, my mom went inside the room and sat on an armchair. Sniffling, I snuggled up to her. She asked, "Why are you crying?"

"Because you're fighting. And you didn't even get to tell me 'good morning.'"

My mother held me away from her. I can still remember the disgust in her eyes and the contempt in her tone when she said, "You're so selfish. You're such a bad girl. All you could think of is yourself. How very selfish."

I was 6 years old with no understanding of what I did wrong. To be honest, I still believe I didn't do anything wrong. I love my mother dearly and I'm sure she does, too, but at that moment, I've never felt more unloved.

I still think that's the reason why I have trouble expressing love and affection to my family.

I needed to understand why that little moment made such a big impact on me. It eclipses the other low moments of my life, such as the times I failed to meet my parents' expectations. They're painful, yes, but somehow, I was able to manage the temporary loss of respect on me (for a while). I mean, I was able to bounce back. However, not the same could be said for the moments I felt unloved, and I wanted to know why.

Thankfully, God answered my prayer in the form of a book.

I am very blessed to have received a copy of the book, Love and Respect in the Family, written by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, who is an internationally known expert on relationships. I say "blessed" because it opened my mind to the real reason behind the rifts within our families.

To say that this book changed my life is an understatement.

The premise of this book is this: parents and men demand respect while children and women desire to be loved. While both are not mutually exclusive, most conflicts happen when these demands are not met.

When I study the conflicts I've been in, this idea makes so much sense. It's like a light bulb suddenly turned on. Now I understand! Parents get frustrated when they feel they are not respected, while children resent their parents because they feel unloved.

On the other hand, husbands commit sin when they feel their wives don't respect them, while wives get discontented when they don't feel they are being loved. It's a vicious cycle actually. The author even calls it the crazy cycle. 

Come to think of it, everything's already written in the Bible, which makes this book not only credible but also practicable:

For children to respect their parents: Exodus 20:12

For parents to love their children: Psalms 127:3-5

For wives to respect their husbands: Ephesians 5:22-24

For husbands to love their wives: Ephesians 5:25 

The author also offers a very practical guide readers can follow in order to achieve "harmony." The acronym used is GUIDES, and here are the letters' meanings:

G - Give (Not too little and not too much)
U - Understand (Putting yourself in their shoes)
I - Instruct (Not too much but just enough)
D - Discipline (Confront, Correct, Comfort)
E - Encourage (Equipping them to succeed)
S - Supplicate (Praying with confidence!)

What I really like about this book is how it values the imperfection of human relationships. In other books, we are given "tips" on how to handle a clingy child or a secretive husband. If you're looking for tips on how to change another person, well, this might not be for you. However, if you're praying to change yourself, I say that this is a great book to start with.

You see, we always pray to see change in other people. We always pray for them to be more honest, more understanding, more patient. What about ourselves? Change begins in ourselves, and we cannot really do that unless we completely depend on the Lord. This is one of the main points of the book. Human relationships, even in the most ideal families, will never be perfect. However, we can depend on a perfect God whose love is unwavering and unchanging.

Isn't that amazing?

This is life-changing for me because I learned how to treat other people. I can prevent conflict by trying to weigh whether I sound disrespectful or not. I try to avoid being unloving. Finally, I am able to assess my feelings and know when to validate my anger and when to dismiss it.

Of course, I cannot tell you everything I read. The experience is unique because you can read about the cases the writer has handled. You don't need to be a parent to read this and benefit from it. Reading this book does not only teach me how to handle Yuri but also Job, my parents, my siblings, and yes, even the household help. If you are a father, a mother, a daughter, a son, a sister, or a brother, you will benefit from reading this book. 

This just goes to show that every kind of relationship within the family takes work, and you just cannot expect to see results without intentionally treating them with love and respect.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com® book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

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What I Learned from our Separation and Love Triangle

Image: kre-do.tumblr.com

Today, let's talk about love. I'm not going to talk about boring finances. Let's talk about what I learned from the 2 months separation I've had with Job and the love triangle that formed within our relationship.

I know, I know. So anti-climactic and anti-romantic, right? Well, help me pray that on the next Valentine's Day, I'll be talking about something mushy and lovey dovey. We all want that, right?

But for now, I have accepted my season of waiting and planting. I have come to appreciate it, actually. Although the sting of "separation" is there, I am able to go through this phase with the grace of God. So let's talk about the separation first.

Last December, weeks before Christmas, Job and I have come to the decision to stop communicating. That was God's command. Now, it's a long story and I don't want to delve into the details, but you can read this blog post if you're interested.

It's been 2 months, and there are still days when I don't think I can get through the day without feeling the urgent need to talk to Job. It's a good thing we schedule weekly talks where we talk like crazy (I, mostly), but waiting until Sunday is hard. Then I realized this command is actually an exercise of faith. Much like physical workouts, this phase we are now in stretches our faith muscles. We grow in faith through struggles like this.

Image: faith1stministries.com

I learned and am learning a lot of things, and, being the sharer that I am, I'm going to share them with you (along with the prayer that God blesses you, too):

1. I need to cling onto God.

Last December and January, a couple of storms passed through Mindanao. They made landfalls during the days when Job and I didn't allow ourselves to talk to each other. And given the damage Yolanda had just brought to the country, not being able to know how the other was doing was driving us crazy!

In my case, all I heard were reports about damages in some parts of Surigao. Ironically (quite funnily, too), all Job heard on his side were news about Davao. The funny thing was both of our places were spared, so we were worrying about nothing.

But of course we didn't know that. All I did was worry and later on prayed. I prayed really hard that Job and his family would be safe and dry. It wasn't until Sunday when Job made me realize that we were helplessly clinging on to God. God placed us in a situation where we really could not do anything, and our only option was to cling onto him. And guess what? That's what God loves His children to do!

2. I need to exercise patience.

Patience is a virtue I practice, but I realized I needed to practice it more. On the other hand, while Job struggles with discipline - he sometimes finds himself struggling against not messaging me outside our designated day - I don't find this a problem. However, I struggle with waiting and, more importantly, waiting with a good attitude. 2 months later and I'm still counting the days before Sunday! Not that bad but I really need to be more patient.

3. I need to make the most out of limited time.

I have written in some old posts that my most often committed sin would be my short sweet temper. Unfortunately, Job had found himself on its receiving end many times. Now, though, because we only get to talk to each other one day a week, I find myself setting my pride aside to avoid anger.

There are still times when I get annoyed or provoked by something Job said (unintentionally usually!), but knowing the limited time we have, by God's grace, I am able to put my own emotions to the backburner.
And you know what? This applies not just to our own situation but also to life in general. If we always keep in mind the truth that our time is limited, perhaps we could be spending more time loving than getting frustrated!

Image: http://everlastingjesus.tumblr.com/

4. I need to value myself.

Like most moms, I often forget myself because I put others' needs before mine. This is not the statement of a martyr. It's the statement of an ordinary mom as I know most moms are like this.

Thankfully, God made me realize that I should love myself, too. God is the source of love, and if I have a personal relationship with Him, I need to absorb as much love as I can.

Don't get me wrong; Job fulfills my need for romantic love. However, I cannot depend on another person to complete me. It's God's job, and my job is to make sure I am able to fill myself with love so that I can also fill others' tanks with it.

I'm starting with the easy tasks. Reading actual books, eating healthy foods, exercising. And I love it. Who knows? Maybe I can actually visit a salon soon! Hee hee

5. I need to be value my other relationships.

This is a realization I have had even before we reached The Decision. I'm pretty sure God is making me wait now because I've been such a cr@ppy daughter, sister, and friend during the first year of my relationship with Job.

I know Job didn't have anything to do with it, but somehow, I was under the impression that I could treat anyone the way I wanted to because I was so secure in his company. And I really did treat everyone cr@ppily! I was barely home, ignoring calls from churchmates, breaking friendships with college classmates. The works.

Now I'm slowly building up what I alone have torn down, and Job has been awfully supportive. I call this my "reconciliation year" because i'm working on reconciling broken relationships.

6. Trust is an aspect God controls.

Many ask me, especially those who don't know Job and don't know me very much, how we could last in a long-distance barely-there-communication relationship. Simple: I don't know.

All I know is that there is a faithful God that sustains us. Honestly, there never was a time when I doubted Job's fidelity, and he tells me he never did, too. Although there are some pangs of insecurity, all we do is, again, cling onto God.

You see, you could never control a person. Even if you see each other everday, if a person wants to cheat, s/he will. This is an aspect that only God can control. Because we leave this to God, we don't have trust issues.

I can say that I trust Job because I know in my heart that he fears and loves the Lord. I don't want to sound conceited, but many women have tried to, you know. But I was never bothered not because I was confident of myself. Not because I was confident of his love. But because I am confident of his love for God.

I know and he knows he's accountable to the Lord. He often tells me that nothing could keep him from cheating, but he doesn't because he doesn't want to hurt God.

Yes, folks. He says he doesn't want to hurt God, not me. I guess this is the secret? Find a man with integrity and with a genuine fear of sinning. Find a partner who loves God before you.

He can say the same for me, too. He once told me that he has full confidence in me and had never doubted me even once. I can do whatever I want with the money he sends me! But I don't. To tell you the truth, I don't even touch it. This is not because I'm good but because Jesus is good, and I want to imitate him.

Image: http://borntomakeanimpact.tumblr.com/

7. A love triangle needs to be formed - with Jesus in the center.

It used to be just Job and me - period. Like what I mentioned above, I shunned all the other people around me. Well, aside from that, I also shunned God. In reality, He should not just be included in a relationship: He should be right smack in the middle of it.

It's easy to say but difficult to follow. What does placing Jesus in the center of a relationship really mean?

It means making Jesus the first and true love of our lives.

It means taking a step only when Jesus says "yes."

It means not taking a step when Jesus says "no."

It means clinging onto faith in something that is not seen (I'm pertaining to not only God himself but also our future).

It's denying ourselves of our selfish tendencies.

It's taking up our crosses - and our partners' crosses, too.

It is building our partners up even when we're down and broken.

It's understanding our partners even if they don't understand us.

It's respecting them when they're not respectable.

It's loving them when they're least lovable.

Why? Because that's how Jesus loves us. And when He's in the center of the relationship, we are supposed to love one another with the love of Jesus Christ.

It's hard. But the good news is that when Jesus is in the center of the relationship, He sustains us. Even if the love of our partners is undependable and imperfect, we always have Jesus' perfect and unfailing love.

Our situation is hard. I'm not claiming that I have the most difficult life because I don't, but this is one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It's not easy. It's an everyday battle, a battle that requires me to have a strong and steady front even when my heart is crumbling. It's a battle I (we) silently fight.

But I know that with God's grace, everything is gonna be okay.

Image: gwynethinprogress.wordpress.com

That's it. Happy Valentine's Day. :-)

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On Gratitude and Long-Distance Relationships

I'm a firm believer in gratitude. I'm a firm believer in giving thanks. I don't scrimp on thanking people. You can just give me P10 for my jeepney fare and I will be forever thankful.

Photo: kellymaxfit.wordpress.com

Last night, though, I found it hard to have an attitude of gratitude. As a little backgrounder, Job and I talk every night about work, what happened that day, mundane stuff, future plans. You know, the usual kamustahan. However, due to busyness (his mostly), we weren't able to talk much for the past few days. Then, last night, just as we were finally able to talk again, he slept. He was too tired from work, and he slept.

It wouldn't have been a big deal for some, but for me, it is. You see, when you are in a long-distance relationship, talking is very important. I couldn't emphasize its importance more. Because, hello, you don't see each other na nga, you don't talk pa. For someone like me, nakakaloka yun.

So I did not talk to him. Before I slept, I wanted to pray, but somehow, I knew my heart wasn't in the right place. I couldn't genuinely be grateful. Then, I remembered this quote:

Photo: www.etsy.com

That jolted me because despite his flaws (nobody is perfect), I don't want to lose Job. I am thankful for having him and Yuri in my life, and I know I should always be thankful for having them.

Well, that's when I remembered that despite the frequency of our spats (mostly because of my hormones), they remain to be petty and nothing serious. I need to thank God for that and for the fact that he never lost his cool on me. Also, I need to thank God that Job was busy because of work and not because of something else (you know). I even need to be thankful that we both have work in the first place.

Frankly, I'm still not talking to him. Not because I don't "forgive" him for sleeping on me but because, well, I need more lambing pa. Hehehe. I've always played hard-to-get even when we started dating. And now I know that I should be thankful for a lot of things about him and this relationship.

What are you thankful for today?

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