Coping and Finding Closure

I don't do hiatus. I usually have a strong sense of "duty" to update my blog for continuity.

But for now, I will be taking a few days off from blogging. I will, of course, announce a winner from our Certified Positive planner giveaway by Wednesday. Apart from that, though, I don't think I can blog about anything sincerely because my mind is still on the death of a brother and friend.

I stopped grieving days ago and focused on the happy memories I've had with him by looking at our old photos.

I remember the first time we took him to the northern part of the city and, being from the south, he asked, "Davao pa ba to?" We were only 10 minutes away from downtown. 5 years later, I'm sure he has explored places, in all sense of the word.

There was another time when the two of us were walking from school to the boarding house and we found a 50-peso bill on the road! It was a treasure for two broke college students. The problem was it was buried under wet mud - but we got it anyway!

And there was the time when he and I and another brod, who is actually Yuri's ninong now, went drinking on a whim the night before my major exam. Reports say we got back to the boarding house literally crawling up the stairs. The next morning, since the other brod had to go to an early class - I remember he left a message though hahaha - Perper was the one who woke me up and helped me ~~cram~~ prepare for my exam.

(To be clear, it was the sorority-fraternity house where a lot of brods and sisses stay.)

Then there are the serious memories. Meetings, campaigns, discussions, immersions, reflections, fellowship. I will treasure all those memories in my heart.

Looking at those photos, I realized that those times, people don't get a lot of likes on Facebook. People who care comment, not like. Haha. Seriously, though, I realized that I'd rather remember him as a person who touched the lives of an uncountable many.

However, yesterday, when I visited his wake for the first time, I couldn't help but cry again. I went with my friend, JM, and after initially crying when I first saw his face inside the coffin (what a moment), we slowly started feeling better and even cracked jokes about Perper. As if he was just sleeping. Soon enough, his mom joined us and shared funny stories about his beloved son, too.

Disclaimer: That's the wind making my dress bulge.

But later, she started talking about the time when she was called to identify the dead body. She identified him right away. Then she told us that months ago, Perper promised her he would be home by December.

And home he was. Home he was.

As a mother, it really broke my heart into pieces listening to this loving mother talk about his son - no anger, no blaming, just pure, encompassing love.

Now you must already understand why I can't blog. The pain of knowing has passed, but being the overthinker that I am, I simply could not stop thinking about Perper's mother. It reminds me of this Vilma Santos quote:

“Bakit ang mga anak pag nawalan ng magulang ang tawag sa kanila ulila? Ang mag-asawa kapag nawala, ang asawa nila ang tawag sa kanila balo? Bakit kapag ang isang ina nawalan ng anak, walang tawag sa kanila?”

So lumabas din pagka-jologs ko. Forgive me haha. The point is I simply could not blog without rambling about it. Last night, Job, who is "on the other side of the field," if you get it, tried to change the topic several times, unsuccessfully. I kept thinking and talking about it.

And I can't go on blogging normally because I'm a thinker. I need to think about these things. More importantly, these are things I cannot publicly write here, thus the hiatus.

Nagpapaalam lang, ang dami pang sinabi.

Anyway, I'll be back hopefully before the week ends. Hopefully, I will find closure after the burial. See you then.